What Personal Growth Feels Like to Me
Personal growth can feel confusing, discouraging, hopeless, neverending…painful. It can also feel empowering and satisfying.
The Familiar That Isn’t
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I recently moved back into my old neighborhood. And lately, as the weather has started to improve, I find myself outdoors more and walking by my old house more and more. I pass it daily, and each time, I see it with new eyes. Yesterday, it was seeing the new car in the driveway. Today, it’s seeing new residents move in.
The feeling is hard to put into words.
It feels familiar, yet distant at the same time.
Like I know it…but I don’t.
Like running into a friend from high school. First, comes recognition, a comforting familiarity. “I’ve seen this person before”. Then, comes excitement as I connect the dots. “It’s my beloved friend and we used to watch movies together!” And next, an awkwardness. A liminal space between stranger and friend. “Something has changed.”
Last night, as I walked by, I realized…this is what personal growth feels like to me. It’s the past version of me meeting the present version. Same eyes, new perspective. Old house, new experience.
I still remember that version of me and where she was at that point in her life as she excitedly chose that home. The hope she had for the future.
Tall tasks.
Big dreams.
Bigger worries.
Renovations.
New dog.
Vivid…and yet, faint.
I know her, but I don’t.
She is no longer present, but still, familiar.
The decisions she used to make.
Her paint choices.
Her taste in food.
How she showed up in relationships.
What she allowed…
are all reminders of how she has changed.
I know her, but I don’t.
The House You Don’t Live In Anymore
There is one distinction, though.
With the house, I can see it. I can revisit it. I know I don’t live there anymore, so I don’t try to go in. I live in a different house now. I know that to be true. I don’t try to convince myself otherwise.
But in personal growth and change, that distinction isn’t always so clear.
How often have I tried to convince myself that I still live in a house I’ve already outgrown, left, or have been asked to leave?
How many times have I chased, or convinced myself, that I wanted that house and no other?
How often have I overlooked my current home, the one I worked so hard to step into?
Sometimes…people go to your old house expecting to find you, despite you giving them the new address and clear directions.
Sometimes…people walk into your new house expecting your old layout.
Sometimes…we are the “people” doing that to others.
And sometimes…we are the “people” doing that to ourselves.
Living Inside the Change
If you’ve experienced this too, then know that you are not alone.
Can you take a moment now to look at your four walls?
Are you where you want to be?
What might you want to keep, accept or appreciate?
What might you want to change?
One of the hardest parts of growth and development is…seeing your own growth.
It’s hard to recognize how far you’ve come when you’ve been living inside the same “house” the whole time.
What I am still learning is…personal transformation isn’t always easy to spot, especially when it is slow and steady, easy on my nervous system. I have to look for it, intentionally. I also realize that I don’t have to move houses to have full-circle, perspective-shifting moments. Instead, I can take a ‘left’ where I usually take a ‘right’.